Those Nights

I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all; it was better than going mad...
From trying to solve all the problems we were goin through - forget 'em all.
'Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall; together we faced it all.
Remember when we'd stay up late and we'd talk all night, in a dark room lit by the tv light; through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive.
Those nights belong to us..

I miss him. Him? Them. Them. I miss them. Each of them. Individually.

Talked with Flo on Sunday and that didn't go so well, and I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have known it wouldn't go well. It started out fine, and then it turned into him wanting to know why I didn't show any emotion in my blogs. As if every post should be about how distraught I am that I'm not with him anymore. You want emotion? Fine - here's my emotion: THE FACT THAT WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE OF SEPARATE BELIEFS KILLS ME. You were perfect in every other aspect. You had everything I wanted and more; you always respected me, you took care of me, you gave me someone to love when I thought I couldn't feel that strongly about someone again after Kirk. You put me first, you showed me off to your friends, you were protective of me, and you LOVED me. You'll never know how much that means to me, and how much it hurts to have to tell you I can't stay despite that. I know you are hurting, and I'm so sorry for that. But this is JUST AS HARD FOR ME as it is for you. I hope and pray that someday you'll know Christ the way I do, and understand why I made the decision I did.
Je suis tres désolé, Flo. Tu es merveilleux. Mais ca juste ne marche pas. Merci beaucoup pour tous les jours ensemble avec toi. Tu me manques tous les jours. Je t'adore, et tu seras toujours mon petit prince. Pardonnez-moi, s'il tu plaît.

Having reached the three year anniversary of his drowning, Kirk has been on my mind more than usual in the last few weeks, as well, but in more of a reminiscent way. Every day something reminds me of him. Usually I just smile and sigh, but sometimes it's a song on my ipod, and it takes everything in me not to break down in public as my mind torturously relives the days, weeks and months following his death. I've healed a lot in the last three years, and I have lots of people to thank for that, but that scar will always be there- a constant reminder of a beautiful life so close to me cut far too short.

Geoffory, Geoffory's been there with me for so long, through fencing, band, graduation, Kirk's death, his breakup, my move abroad, my frustrations and mixed emotions while here, and my heartbreaking relationship with Flo. Geoffory's been one of my best friends through it all, and I love who I am with him. We appreciate the same things, enjoy the same politically incorrect sense of humor, and there's nothing I can't talk to him about. Except him. It's hard to talk with Geoffory about him. About he and I, and if there'd ever be anything else there between us. We're such close friends, but the unresolved floating feelings between us have been straining our friendship lately, and I hate that. I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don't know if that's possible anymore; it seems we may have passed the point of no return. He wants me to live closer, and makes it sound like I've abandoned him to run around in foreign countries. Sure, if I was living in California, settled in my job/school/career, I'd be open to the idea of it. But I'm not. I'm living abroad. I'm travelling. I'm living my life as full as I can responsibly manage, and that doesn't involve grounding myself in the States anytime soon. I love my country, but I'd like to see what else is out there while I can before I DO have to find a place to settle. I'm working full time right now, and I'll be studying full time for my Masters degree next(and likely also working part time), so it's not like I'm being irresponsible with my travels and wasting time. Geoffory complains that I'm so far away, and skype isn't the same, and I agree, but he also refuses to come visit me. "It's too far", "I'm not interested in Asia", "It's expensive". Yes, it's far, but it's not THAT far. You don't have to be interested in Asia to come visit me. Yes, it's expensive - to FLY; once you're here, so help me, I will pay for EVERYTHING if that's what it takes for you to visit; I just want to see you. I know he's dealing with other things as well right now, and I sympathize, I really do. Geoffory means the world to me, and I want him to be happy, and really see everything that this life has to offer him, and I promise I'm doing my best to be the friend he needs right now, I just feel like it isn't enough sometimes. So I'm sorry.

Stephan. Stephan is probably my flakiest good friend, and I can't count the number of times he's let me down, disappointed me, cancelled plans, and made promises he didn't keep. But I also can't count the number of times he was there for me when he didn't have to be - he got me through the ten months after my breakup with Tim when Tim was stringing me along and giving me false hope for nothing. Stephan was always there to lend an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and had endless hugs for me. He never tried to fix anything, just offered his friendship and encouragement. The countless evenings in my car, driving to nowhere, talking and laughing, pouring out our problems, sharing a meal at a diner somewhere long after midnight...I wouldn't trade them for anything. They gave me enough of a temporary distraction to get me through whatever I was dealing with elsewhere. When Kirk died, Stephan was there still, listening to my unintelligible sobs, waiting to remind me of the brighter side of life, even when I wasn't the slightest bit interested in hearing it. I still think of him often, and we talk when we can; I wish we'd been able to see each other on my visits home, but it just didn't happen. He's done well for himself, and I couldn't be prouder of him, I just wonder if we'll ever see each other again. Sometimes I miss him and sometimes I don't, but I know he cares for me, and despite the times he's let me down, and no matter how many times I've tried to push him out of my life and forget him, I keep coming back to the memories, and when we talk...all I want is to see him. Hug him. Tell him how much I've missed him. But here we are, oceans away, with no chance of that in sight.

So how'm I doing? I'm good. I'm a big girl, and I don't dwell on silly things, and I'm not the kind of person who whines about life throwing lemons at me. But I still have a lot on my mind that I don't really talk about. Why? Because people don't want to hear it. They don't want to know. They want to know about all the fun adventures I'm going on, all the new places I'm exploring, all the friends I'm making, and how much I love my amazing life abroad. I do, I love it. But choosing this path means making sacrifices: I missed my brother's Delta graduation, and will likely miss his UCDavis one as well; I missed my grandmother's funeral last year and my great aunt's funeral this year; I have little cousins that I've never had a chance to meet; I missed my cousin's wedding and my dear friend Laura's wedding last year; and I'll miss more this year that hasn't even happened yet, not to mention the friends that have disappeared or whose friendships with me have become so strained that they won't likely survive much longer. So envy me all you want, but as much as I love it, I don't love it every day.

Family Reunion 2012

Although I wasn't able to actually be there in person, I stocked up on coffee and stayed up til nearly 5am to skype with my relatives as they arrived at my parents' house. So glad I did. :D

You Know Me, I'm A Planner-Aheader

Having finally decided that this will be my last year in Thailand, the time has come for me to get cracking on my plans for next year. France is off the table, and I'd rather prefer to stay abroad a bit longer than go back to the US right now. Graduate School being next on my to-do list, I had begun thinking about where I would like to go; it needed to be an English-speaking country, and with crummy weather and snobby "we-invented-the-language-so-you're-obviously-inferior-to-us" Brits over there in England, the most obvious choice was AUSTRALIA! :D

As excited as I was about this option, researching schools to attend was still a frustrating process for me. I would start out really motivated and sit down at my computer and start my search. I would be happily looking through course descriptions and campus slideshows..but that would soon wane as I looked through tuition and fees, admissions requirement lists, and waited for course handbooks to download. I would get bored/discouraged/distracted/frustrated, and end up watching tv instead. So I wasn't making much progress. Then, last Thursday, as I was looking through one of the universities' websites, I checked the dates for the "come talk to us when we're in your country", and found the IDP Education Expo going on that Saturday and Sunday at the Queen Sirikit National Convention Center in Bangkok.

I called Tolu and talked her into going with me on Saturday, so we met up at the mall for breakfast at Starbucks, then took the MRT to the convention center. Found the expo ballrooms, filled out a few info forms, and then took our goodie bag things in with us to talk with all the representatives.

*Did I mention we were the ONLY westerners at this event? Not that that should surprise me..I mean..who else would be going to an expo in Bangkok besides Thais? lol

I didn't realize that ALL the universities that would be there would be Australian universities, but was overjoyed to be surrounded by potential options right there at my fingertips, just waiting for me to sit down and ask all my questions. And ask I did. I asked about admission requirements, masters degrees vs graduate diplomas, varying tuitions, climate, visas, campus locations and amenities, public transportation, application times and competition, and degree program options. I had already decided to pursue a Masters in International Public Health, so it was a good starting point as I sat down at each booth. Unfortunately University of Sydney and University of Western Sydney were not in attendance, so they have fallen down on my "list". My top choices are, in order: University of Queensland(Brisbane), University of New South Wales(Sydney), University of Adelaide(Adelaide), and University of Western Australia(Perth). Got tons of info, and am so glad I went. Not to mention I am now so much more motivated to make this happen, and it seems so much more..REAL..now.


A little excited. A little terrified. :D

My Last Wai Kru

Wai Kru Day was Thursday, and was done in the same way as it was last year, with the students doing presentations for their teachers in 3rd period. My students presented flowers, recited something (in Thai), sang a song, and thanked us for being such wonderful teachers. It's a little sad to think that this was my last Wai Kru Day, but the beautiful flowers on my desk and the sweet smiling faces of my students, past and present(some of my students from my first year came over from the mathayom building to say hi to me :D), was enough to hold me for now.

Chiang Rai

Last weekend we had a 3 day weekend come out of nowhere! So I had to think fast and make sure I didn't waste it. Considered going to Koh Chang or one of the other islands, but decided I didn't want to go to the beach if it was likely to rain. Beach becomes mud. So Chiang Rai it was. All the trains were booked up for the trip there, so I booked a flight for Saturday afternoon with Nok Air and booked my return train ticket for Monday.

Landed in Chiang Rai at 4:30pm Saturday right in the middle of the monsoon. Scurried into a taxi to my guesthouse, and after dropping off my bag in my room grabbed my map and took to the streets to explore my surroundings and find some dinner. The rain had stopped for a bit, and I wandered through one of the evening markets and had a strawberry smoothie and some delicious egg rolls. Also bought an umbrella as the rain started to pick up again, and sought shelter from a corner cafe where I sipped a cappuccino while reading my book for a few hours.




Sunday morning I woke up at about 7, had some free coffee in the "lobby", and booked a taxi for the day from the front desk. 2200B($65) seemed a bit steep, but sometimes it comes down to either sitting around saving money, or just sucking it up and forking over the cash to explore the world. I sucked it up. The first taxi driver was this young guy named Petch, and we chatted a bit on our way to the first place, but about 20 minutes out we started having engine trouble.

I sat in the car and read my book while he called for backup, and within about 10 minutes another car showed up to take me, and Petch told me that I'd be dropped off at the first stop and a different driver would come to take me for the rest of the day. So I bid him farewell and went off to explore the White Temple.








This picture(well, it's a very crude sketch by me, but "no cameras allowed" so I had to improvise) was on the inside wall of the White Temple's main building. It's a rendering of the World Trade Centers with a two-headed snake(I only drew one head) with a dripping gas pump nozzle at the other end; a plane flying towards the towers, and..far off to the left there..a red Angry Bird. I didn't really understand why that would be painted on the inside of such a beautiful temple(or any temple for that matter), and it rather disturbed me.

My next driver, M, was waiting for me when I was done looking around, and we headed off to the next stop, Black House. M's English was pretty good, and we enjoyed good conversation along the drive.













Next stop was the Karen Hilltribes. Unfortunately, like most things in Thailand, this has become such a popular place for tourists to visit that there is a 300B admission fee charged at the beginning of the path, and two girls skipped along in front of me as my guides. The first two villages performed a song and dance for me, and I got a beautiful elephant necklace and two jade bracelets from their shops.
M, my driver, and the sign for the Hilltribes





The third village was the long-neck Karen tribe, and as anxious as I was to see them in person and meet them, I hated being the "tourist"; I took a few pictures, but made sure I bought something from each person I photographed so I wasn't just flashing my camera and making a dash for it.




After the hilltribes, M suggested we get some lunch, and it was a good thing we did because the rain had started.

It was still raining when we were finished eating, so we headed on to the next spot anyway. We were right near the Thai/Burma border, and drove up the hill through a market to see the Scorpion Temple.



That dirty river down there? That's the Thai/Burma border.

Next stop was the Golden Triangle! The Golden Triangle is the place where the borders of Myanmar(Burma), Thailand, and Laos all meet and are divided by rivers.











Had a walk through of the Opium Museum before leaving the Triangle, and M tells me, "If you pay extra 5B, you can smoke some." Lol. No thanks, M. haha

Last stop before heading back to my guesthouse was Wat Chedi Luang Wiang.


Had curry for dinner back in Chiang Rai, packed up my bags, and the next morning checked out to start my journey home. Took the 11am bus from Chiang Rai to Chiang Mai, and then caught my 4pm sleeper train back to Bangkok. Arrived back Tuesday morning in Don Muang around 7:20am, took a taxi to my apt to change and drop my bag, and was at work by 9:00. :)