Those Nights

I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all; it was better than going mad...
From trying to solve all the problems we were goin through - forget 'em all.
'Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall; together we faced it all.
Remember when we'd stay up late and we'd talk all night, in a dark room lit by the tv light; through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive.
Those nights belong to us..

I miss him. Him? Them. Them. I miss them. Each of them. Individually.

Talked with Flo on Sunday and that didn't go so well, and I shouldn't have talked to him. I should have known it wouldn't go well. It started out fine, and then it turned into him wanting to know why I didn't show any emotion in my blogs. As if every post should be about how distraught I am that I'm not with him anymore. You want emotion? Fine - here's my emotion: THE FACT THAT WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE OF SEPARATE BELIEFS KILLS ME. You were perfect in every other aspect. You had everything I wanted and more; you always respected me, you took care of me, you gave me someone to love when I thought I couldn't feel that strongly about someone again after Kirk. You put me first, you showed me off to your friends, you were protective of me, and you LOVED me. You'll never know how much that means to me, and how much it hurts to have to tell you I can't stay despite that. I know you are hurting, and I'm so sorry for that. But this is JUST AS HARD FOR ME as it is for you. I hope and pray that someday you'll know Christ the way I do, and understand why I made the decision I did.
Je suis tres désolé, Flo. Tu es merveilleux. Mais ca juste ne marche pas. Merci beaucoup pour tous les jours ensemble avec toi. Tu me manques tous les jours. Je t'adore, et tu seras toujours mon petit prince. Pardonnez-moi, s'il tu plaît.

Having reached the three year anniversary of his drowning, Kirk has been on my mind more than usual in the last few weeks, as well, but in more of a reminiscent way. Every day something reminds me of him. Usually I just smile and sigh, but sometimes it's a song on my ipod, and it takes everything in me not to break down in public as my mind torturously relives the days, weeks and months following his death. I've healed a lot in the last three years, and I have lots of people to thank for that, but that scar will always be there- a constant reminder of a beautiful life so close to me cut far too short.

Geoffory, Geoffory's been there with me for so long, through fencing, band, graduation, Kirk's death, his breakup, my move abroad, my frustrations and mixed emotions while here, and my heartbreaking relationship with Flo. Geoffory's been one of my best friends through it all, and I love who I am with him. We appreciate the same things, enjoy the same politically incorrect sense of humor, and there's nothing I can't talk to him about. Except him. It's hard to talk with Geoffory about him. About he and I, and if there'd ever be anything else there between us. We're such close friends, but the unresolved floating feelings between us have been straining our friendship lately, and I hate that. I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don't know if that's possible anymore; it seems we may have passed the point of no return. He wants me to live closer, and makes it sound like I've abandoned him to run around in foreign countries. Sure, if I was living in California, settled in my job/school/career, I'd be open to the idea of it. But I'm not. I'm living abroad. I'm travelling. I'm living my life as full as I can responsibly manage, and that doesn't involve grounding myself in the States anytime soon. I love my country, but I'd like to see what else is out there while I can before I DO have to find a place to settle. I'm working full time right now, and I'll be studying full time for my Masters degree next(and likely also working part time), so it's not like I'm being irresponsible with my travels and wasting time. Geoffory complains that I'm so far away, and skype isn't the same, and I agree, but he also refuses to come visit me. "It's too far", "I'm not interested in Asia", "It's expensive". Yes, it's far, but it's not THAT far. You don't have to be interested in Asia to come visit me. Yes, it's expensive - to FLY; once you're here, so help me, I will pay for EVERYTHING if that's what it takes for you to visit; I just want to see you. I know he's dealing with other things as well right now, and I sympathize, I really do. Geoffory means the world to me, and I want him to be happy, and really see everything that this life has to offer him, and I promise I'm doing my best to be the friend he needs right now, I just feel like it isn't enough sometimes. So I'm sorry.

Stephan. Stephan is probably my flakiest good friend, and I can't count the number of times he's let me down, disappointed me, cancelled plans, and made promises he didn't keep. But I also can't count the number of times he was there for me when he didn't have to be - he got me through the ten months after my breakup with Tim when Tim was stringing me along and giving me false hope for nothing. Stephan was always there to lend an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and had endless hugs for me. He never tried to fix anything, just offered his friendship and encouragement. The countless evenings in my car, driving to nowhere, talking and laughing, pouring out our problems, sharing a meal at a diner somewhere long after midnight...I wouldn't trade them for anything. They gave me enough of a temporary distraction to get me through whatever I was dealing with elsewhere. When Kirk died, Stephan was there still, listening to my unintelligible sobs, waiting to remind me of the brighter side of life, even when I wasn't the slightest bit interested in hearing it. I still think of him often, and we talk when we can; I wish we'd been able to see each other on my visits home, but it just didn't happen. He's done well for himself, and I couldn't be prouder of him, I just wonder if we'll ever see each other again. Sometimes I miss him and sometimes I don't, but I know he cares for me, and despite the times he's let me down, and no matter how many times I've tried to push him out of my life and forget him, I keep coming back to the memories, and when we talk...all I want is to see him. Hug him. Tell him how much I've missed him. But here we are, oceans away, with no chance of that in sight.

So how'm I doing? I'm good. I'm a big girl, and I don't dwell on silly things, and I'm not the kind of person who whines about life throwing lemons at me. But I still have a lot on my mind that I don't really talk about. Why? Because people don't want to hear it. They don't want to know. They want to know about all the fun adventures I'm going on, all the new places I'm exploring, all the friends I'm making, and how much I love my amazing life abroad. I do, I love it. But choosing this path means making sacrifices: I missed my brother's Delta graduation, and will likely miss his UCDavis one as well; I missed my grandmother's funeral last year and my great aunt's funeral this year; I have little cousins that I've never had a chance to meet; I missed my cousin's wedding and my dear friend Laura's wedding last year; and I'll miss more this year that hasn't even happened yet, not to mention the friends that have disappeared or whose friendships with me have become so strained that they won't likely survive much longer. So envy me all you want, but as much as I love it, I don't love it every day.